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coffeehouse on whose walls drawings were hung； where religion and the hoja
from Erzurum were maligned and where disrespect knew no bounds。
A coffee maker’s apprentice； his face spattered with blood； emerged from
inside； and I thought he might collapse； but he wiped the blood from his
forehead and cheeks with the cuff of his shirt； melded in with our group and
began to watch the raid。 The crowd pulled back a little out of fear。 I noticed
Black recognize somebody and hesitate。 By the way the Erzurumis began to
collect together； I knew that the Janissaries or some other band armed with
clubs was on its way。 The torches were extinguished and the crowd became a
confused mob。
Black grabbed me by the arm and had the theology student take me away。
“Go by way of the backstreets；” he said。 “He’ll see you to your house。” The
student wanted to slip away as soon as possible and we were almost running
as we departed。 My thoughts were with Black； but if Esther’s taken out of the
scene； she can’t possibly continue with the story； can she now？
380
I AM A WOMAN
I can hear your objections already： “My dear Storyteller Effendi； you might be
able to imitate anyone or anything； but never a woman！” Yet I beg to differ。
True； I’ve wandered from city to city； imitating everything into the wee hours
of the night at weddings； festivals and coffeehouses until my voice gave out；
and thus it was never my lot to marry； but this doesn’t mean I’m
unacquainted with womenfolk。
I know women quite well； in fact； I’ve known four personally； seen their
faces and spoken with them： 1。 my mother； may she rest in eternal peace； 2。
my beloved aunt； 3。 the wife of my brother （he always beat me）； who said “Get
out！” on one of those rare occasions when I saw her—she was the first woman
I fell in love with； and 4。 a lady I saw suddenly at an open window in Konya
during my travels。 Despite never having spoken with her； I’ve nursed feelings
of lust toward her for years and still do。 Perhaps； by now； she’s passed away。
Seeing a woman’s bare face； speaking to her； and witnessing her humanity
opens the way to both pangs of lust and deep spiritual pain in us men； and
thus the best of all alternatives is not to lay eyes on women； especially pretty
women； without first being lawfully wed； as our noble faith dictates。 The sole
remedy for carnal desires is to seek out the friendship of beautiful boys； a
satisfactory surrogate for females； and in due time； this； too； bees a sweet
habit。 In the cities of the European Franks； women roam about exposing not
only their faces； but also their brightly shining hair （after their necks； their
most attractive feature）； their arms； their beautiful throats； and even； if what
I’ve heard is true； a portion of their gorgeous legs； as a result； the men of those
cities walk about with great difficulty； embarrassed and in extreme pain；
because； you see； their front sides are always erect and this fact naturally leads
to the paralysis of their society。 Undoubtedly； this is why each day the Frank
infidel surrenders another fortress to us Ottomans。
After realizing； while still a youth； that the best recipe for my spiritual
happiness and contentment was to live far from beautiful women； I grew
increasingly curious about these creatures。 At that time； since I hadn’t seen any
women besides my mother and my aunt； my curiosity assumed a mystical
quality； my head seemed to tingle； and I knew that I could only learn how
women felt if I did what they did； ate what they ate； said what they said；
imitated their behavior and； yes； only if I wore their clothes。 Therefore； one
Friday； when my mother； father； older brother and aunt went to my
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grandfather’s rose garden on the shores of the Fahreng； I told them I was
feeling ill and stayed at home。
“e along。 Look； you’ll entertain us by mimicking the dogs； trees and
horses in the country。 What’ll you do here all alone； anyway？” said my
mother； may she rest in peace。
“I’m going to put on your dresses and bee a woman； dear mother；” was
an impossible answer。 So I said； “My stomach hurts。”
“Don’t be such a coward；” said my father。 “e along and we’ll wrestle。”
I shall now describe to you； my painter and calligrapher brethren； exactly
what I felt once they’d left and I donned the underclothes and dresses
belonging to my now dearly departed mother and aunt； as well as the secrets I
learned that day about being a woman。 Let me first state forthright that
contrary to what we’ve often read in books and heard from preachers； when
you are a woman； you don’t feel like the Devil。
Not at all！ When I pulled on my mother’s rose…embroidered wool
underclothes； a gentle sense of well…being spread over me and I felt as sensitive
as she。 The touch against my bare skin of my aunt’s pistachio…green silk shirt；
which she could never bring herself to wear； made me feel an irrepressible
affection toward all children； including myself。 I wanted to nurse everybody
and cook for the whole world。 After I understood to some extent what it was
like to have breasts； I stuffed my chest with whatever I could find—socks and
washcloths—so I might understand what really made me curious： how it felt
to be a large…breasted woman。 When I saw these huge protrusions； yes； I admit
it； I was as proud as Satan。 I understood at once that men； merely catching
sight of the shadow of my overabundant breasts； would chase after them and
strive to take them into their mouths； I felt quite powerful； but is that what I
wanted？ I was befuddled： I wanted both to be powerful and to be the object of
pity； I wanted a rich； powerful and intelligent man； whom I didn’t know from
Adam； to fall madly in love with me； yet I also feared such a man。 Sliding on
the bracelets made of twisted gold that my mother hid at the bottom of her
trousseau chest next to the sheets embroidered with leafy designs； in lavender…
scented wool socks； applying the rouge with which she brightened her cheeks
on the way back from the public baths； donning my aunt’s evergreen cloak
and putting on the thin veil of the same color after gathering up my hair； I
stared at myself in the mirror with the mother…of…pearl frame； and shuddered。
Although I hadn’t touched them； my eyes and eyelashes had bee those of
a woman。 Only my eyes and cheeks were exposed； but I was an extraordinarily
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attractive woman and this made me very happy。 My manliness； which took
note of this fact before even I had； was erect。 Naturally； this upset me。
In the hand mirror I held； I watched a teardrop slide from my lovely eye and
just then； a poem painfully came to mind。 I’ve never been able to forget it；
because at that same moment； inspired by the Almighty； I sang that poem
rhythmically like a song； trying to forget my woes：
My fickle heart longs for the West when I’m in the East and for the East when
I’m in the West。
My other parts insist I be a woman when I’m a man and a man when I’m a
woman。
How difficult it is being human； even worse is living a human’s life。
I only want to amuse myself frontside and backside； to be Eastern and Western
both。
I was going to say； “Let’s hope our Erzurumi brethren don’t hear the song
issuing from my heart；” for they’ll be cross。 But why should I be afraid？
Perhaps they won’t be angry at all。 Listen； I’m not saying this for the sake of
gossip； but I’ve learned how that famous preacher the Exalted Not…Husret…by…
a…Longshot Effendi； despite being married； prefers handsome boys to us
women just as you sensitive painters do。 I’m just telling you what I’ve heard。
But I pay no mind to any of this beca